i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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