I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
