He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
