I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
