She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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