Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
