whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
