Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
is it fun? or sober?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
