you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
