Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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