Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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