It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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