Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
