On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
