I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
