Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
