Pappa wants mamma naked
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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