First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
