I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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