atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
