the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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