Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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