You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
