someone get that fucking seahorse.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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