In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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