Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
