I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
