I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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