I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
