hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
