Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
