PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
