I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
No I am not eating basil off your cock
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So here I am, sexting at work.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
