...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
