I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
