dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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