Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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