she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
