Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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