if i can run in heels then i can drive
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
