Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
