My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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