Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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