as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
