im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
