i just wanna soil my oats bro
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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