She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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