20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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