her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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