My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Randomize
