Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
