Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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