call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Randomize
