I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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