It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
