I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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