My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My ass is underappreciated
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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