I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
