The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
