Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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