my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
