I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
They left me at home... I'm a liability
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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