I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
